Why do children of enlightened parents and happy families also have psychological problems?

By 蝎子号 from 蓝橡树

Translated by Max.

Many people believe that children with psychological issues must have problems with their upbringing. They think it’s because the parents are too strict, the family isn’t complete, or there’s too much academic pressure. In our family, everything seems normal and warm, so teenage depression feels distant.

But reality isn’t always that simple.

Recently, I encountered three families that challenged my preconceptions. In these families, parents have an open-minded parenting style, don’t pressure their children for top grades, encourage all-around development, and have good marital relationships. Yet, their children experienced depression seemingly “out of the blue.”

Can children truly develop “mental issues” without any apparent reason? Why can’t perfectly normal families be a haven for their children? To answer these questions, I interviewed Teacher You Xiaoting.

Teacher You Xiaoting has over a decade of experience, with nearly 5,000 hours of counseling experience for teenagers and families. She has also provided psychological counseling to several top international schools in Shanghai.

You Xiaoting graduated from Fudan University’s Chinese department and was once a journalist. She switched careers to become a psychological counselor due to her son’s adolescence, marked by fluctuating grades, gaming addiction, and strained parent-child relationships. She’s now about to graduate with a master’s degree, and her son has landed a job at a top securities trading company in New York, specializing in quantitative investment.

How does Teacher You Xiaoting view the psychological well-being of teenagers and parent-child relationships? Reflecting on her own journey, she shares advice for today’s parents.

(For narrative convenience, the following content will be presented in the first person from Teacher You Xiaoting’s perspective.)

I highly respect my child, so why does he still have psychological issues?

Why is it so anxiety-ridden nowadays? Parents show a lot of respect to their children, and their marital relationships are good, so why do the children still have problems? There are several reasons:

1. In a highly competitive society, no one is immune.

Firstly, we live in an intense and anxious era, and this anxiety tends to seep into every family member. For instance, new mothers often have to go back to work after just four months of maternity leave, dealing with job pressures while also breastfeeding, which can leave them physically and mentally exhausted.

During early infancy, restless and anxious mothers can’t respond promptly to their baby’s needs, affecting the formation of the child’s early attachment relationships. We often say that the state of the mother-infant attachment shapes the fundamental aspects of a child’s personality for life.

We’ve observed that children who were hospitalized for jaundice or kept in incubators due to premature birth, or those who experienced early mother-infant separation, tend to be more challenging to raise.

Before we begin psychological counseling, we collect basic information about whether the child experienced significant early separation events, the mother’s emotional state during pregnancy, as these factors can influence the child.

2. Failing to establish a true self.

Parents may believe there’s no major problem with how they raise their children, but there’s a significant issue ingrained in our collective consciousness – we are too concerned about what others think. Throughout the process of growing up, we fail to establish a true self.

This is often overlooked.

Prof. Xu Kaiwen from Peking University talks about “empty people,” referring to a false self – their every move revolves around what others think, lacking a genuine self and not knowing what they truly desire, leading to deep confusion.

If parents are excessively concerned about their image, children might subconsciously focus on others’ opinions. They might seem to have good social functioning, but their depression and anxiety can run deep.

A common trait I’ve observed in children with depression is that they turn their attacks inward. They are afraid to express their dissatisfaction outwardly, which stems from the lack of a true self.

3. Lack of boundaries, leaning toward a symbiotic parent-child relationship.

Parents might think they’re treating their children well. For example, a child glances at a dish, and the mother immediately puts it in the child’s bowl. If the child is upset, the mother becomes even angrier. When it comes to academic performance, the child’s achievements directly affect the mother’s emotions.

This is actually a lack of boundary sense, resulting in a symbiotic parent-child relationship. The outcome also affects the child’s self-formation. Children excessively responded to by parents and elders become very irritable and feel suffocated, to the point where they can’t breathe.

Today’s parents may not engage in violent behaviors, but communication with their children still has many issues with unclear boundaries. For instance, if a full-time mother has a poor relationship with her husband, the child becomes her emotional anchor, even a receptacle for emotions, and one person can’t bear the stress of two.

If you believe you’re doing well, but your child is still experiencing various problems, it’s worth comparing your situation with the reasons I mentioned above.

Parents need to change for the child to improve.

The cycle of education has a quick turnaround, and how you treat your child when they’re young will influence how they treat you during adolescence. If a family has a child with psychological issues, and parents feel constantly anxious and have to monitor the child’s mood, it’s an opportunity to reflect on your upbringing, whether you are an emotionally volatile person, putting the child in constant tension and fear of sudden rebukes.

Society is becoming relatively more open, and children are less likely to suppress their feelings. There’s a growing demand for psychological counseling around the pre- and post-puberty stages. When counseling students in junior high and below, I typically focus on the family system because children are quite vulnerable in the family, and they need the entire family’s help.

1. Parents need to set aside their ego and respect their child’s feelings.

When we provide psychological counseling to children, we don’t rush to correct their perceptions; instead, we seek to understand and accept them. Only when someone feels fully accepted and understood can their perception be challenged.

Many parents say, “I don’t understand why things are so good now, we also respect him, but he’s still depressed.” This statement reveals the parents’ ego, as they are unaware that they don’t truly understand their child.

If parents remain stuck in “I’m not wrong,” the child will resist. But when parents start to realize that they might have made mistakes in some aspects, the transformation begins.

2. Respond fully in early childhood, set clear boundaries as they grow.

Before the age of three, parents should respond fully, putting away their phones and providing full attention. This helps children feel secure and stable under a mother’s protective aura.

As children grow up, parents need to gradually “set clear boundaries” to allow space for the child’s self-development.

For example, if you had a tough day at work and had a dispute with your boss, when you come home, your mood isn’t great. But you shouldn’t take out your frustration on your child; they don’t need to be responsible for your emotions.

The only expectation parents should have is for their child to be a normal person. If you are healthy, your child will be too.

3. It’s Never Too Late to Change

While the importance of forming early childhood attachment relationships can’t be emphasized enough, it’s never too late to make a change.

Speaking from a psychological perspective on the rules of growth, if you can focus on responsiveness, boundaries, emotional management, and nurturing your child’s self-development, the path of education can be more relaxed, allowing your child to realize their full potential.

Human growth is like a spiral, and it’s unrealistic to expect to always walk the right path. So, even if you haven’t done well in the past, don’t worry. Trust in your child’s resilience.

From Ranking 100th to Top 3

Thanks to “Letting Go”

Before I entered the field of psychology, I worked as a journalist, and my career switch was closely tied to my son’s education.

Back when my son was in 4th and 5th grade, he began to exhibit various “abnormal” behaviors, had a strong temper, and often put me in embarrassing situations. His changes took a toll on my mental and emotional well-being.

Moreover, he was particularly fond of playing video games, and we didn’t really restrict his gaming time. Only one hour a day? No, he would keep demanding more.

My anxiety reached its peak when he was about to transition to middle school.

His academic performance was actually not bad; he was among the top ten in his class. But the overall environment was so competitive that I couldn’t help but feel anxious, especially when it came to dealing with connections and relationships. I was in turmoil, to say the least, and one afternoon, I decided to meditate.

During meditation, I observed my thoughts. They settled down like impurities sinking in water, and the part of me with wisdom started to emerge.

Suddenly, it struck me: Why don’t I trust my son?

Looking back, I realized that my son and I may have had a somewhat codependent relationship. I had placed many expectations on him, and our boundaries were unclear. That’s why his academic performance had such a significant impact on me.

As children grow, they start feeling uncomfortable with this codependency, and I began to feel exhausted too. The core issue wasn’t whether my son could achieve the ideal admissions result, but rather, I needed to address my sense of failure.

Upon realizing this, I consciously severed the connection related to my son’s education – his learning was now his own responsibility.

I remember one time he brought home a test with a score of just over 70. As I signed the paper, I said, “Mom won’t get angry, no matter how poorly you score.” He snatched the paper back and said, “If you’re not angry, I’m angry!”

Initially, he struggled with this separation, but he soon realized the benefits of academic independence. Regardless of how poorly he did in exams, I would only comfort him, never blame him. I saw him playing games before exams, and I would ask, “Are you done studying?” If he said yes, I left it at that without any nagging.

The result of letting go was that he successfully entered the middle school of his choice. Over the next three years, his academic performance rapidly improved, going from ranking around 100th in his class to being in the top three.

Navigating High School, College Applications, and Beyond – His Choices

He made his own decisions regarding high school transitions and college applications. Upon high school graduation, his standardized test scores were impressive: TOEFL 119, SAT 1560, full IB program estimated scores, and a first-place national award in the Mathematical Olympiad.

In other words, giving children more independence and freedom didn’t hinder his path to becoming an academic achiever.

Looking back at my previous educational blog posts, I made many of the same mistakes as most parents today. For instance, I forced my child to learn the piano, ultimately destroying a budding talent. My emotions weren’t stable.

However, the good thing is that I introspected and corrected my approach in time. Over time, our relationship evolved, and he became more independent.

Games Aren’t All Bad

Lastly, let’s talk about the much-maligned “mobile games” that many parents dislike. My child was quite the gamer, and I was troubled by it at one point.

There might be many objections, but I believe that not all aspects of “gaming” are negative. Don’t let your child’s gaming habits lead to constant conflict between parents and children; this can hide underlying issues.

When your child plays games, you need to analyze the underlying needs. It could be a way to relax due to academic stress. We joked that if you set a Key Performance Indicator (KPI) for your child in gaming, most of them would immediately stop playing because it becomes too stressful, and they can’t relax.

We can judge “gaming addiction” by whether the child loses interest in everything else apart from gaming. If the child can put down the game and engage in team activities, sports, and connect with the real world, things haven’t reached a disastrous level.

My child has been gaming from an early age, with a particular fascination for “Plants vs. Zombies.” Even during the COVID-19 pandemic, he was still playing it. I was curious about why he could play the same game for so long.

He told me he was playing a game involving “permutations and combinations,” which to him, was essentially a mathematical game. He designed a classic formation that’s still a highlight on the “Plants vs. Zombies” forum, where he wrote thousands of words of strategy.

I was able to let him play because I saw the strategies he was writing – clear thinking, rich examples, unfamiliar terminology. It was a field that I knew nothing about. In a way, gaming is similar to learning: understanding patterns, summarizing experiences, and sharing knowledge.

Next year, he’s graduating from the University of Southern California, and he’s already found a job he’s very satisfied with in New York. You could say that “Plants vs. Zombies” laid the foundation for his future career!

Conclusion

Sometimes, I feel for today’s parents. The immense pressure they put on their children might be rooted in their own upbringing, as they might have used certain protective strategies in their past. This fixation on achieving high academic results may lead to unintended consequences.

As parents, it’s essential to self-reflect regularly and evaluate whether most of your interactions with your child are enjoyable and if you’re setting clear boundaries. Luckily, a person’s mental and physical well-being is not irreversible. Have faith in your child’s self-healing abilities. If you ever veer too far off course, there’s a natural force that can pull you back on track.